Ambivalamp

Some people can wait until Yule or solstice to light their lamps. Others do it at Chanukah. This year I didn't even make it to Diwali.

I got the stupid lamp when I moved back to upstate NY after five years in San Diego. Before I had thought that winter in New York and New Hampshire sucked just because winter sucked and I hated school and that I was just moody or lazy or very special and misunderstood or whatever. And I had figured that everything was better in San Diego because I had grown up somewhat and I was no longer living in the strage, toxic, and insular worlds where I attended high school and college. But, no, my first fall in Ithaca was awful because the light was sucked back out of my life.

Now I'm annoyed that I need to spend 30 minutes each morning sitting by the lamp. This is completely irrational because since 1991 (with the exception of the two years I didn't own a computer) I have spent way more than 30 minutes each morning at the computer fucking about on the internet. (Back in 1991-2 I had the most wonderful and elaborate .plan that I tended to and revised almost daily; I have always been able to waste large amounts of time on the internet.) Even when I didn't have a computer, I spent my 30 minutes sewing, something I do anyway. (I was making a crazy quilt -- Ha ha!)

This morning I put the lamp back on the computer table, where it will taunt me until spring.