Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Letters from New Hampshire

Dear Prodigal Alumna,

You know we've missed you so. We've always cared about you. We've watched you from a distance over the years, hoping one day that you would return and share your successes with us (we are so proud of you!). The classes of 1994, 1995, and 1996 are all invited back in June, and we'd love to have you there.

We'd tell you to put the past behind you, but that's what this is all about. Maybe you won't hate it if you come back! You've grown so much over the past decade.

Don't blame 13 miserable terms spent in Hanover on us, the Greek system, or patriarchy. It was your fault, too. Maybe you would have been happier if you had talked to more strangers, tried to make yourself pretty, not spent so much time playing computer games, or stopped insisting on being so damn weird! Or, at the very least, asked for help with your problems. You know that Dick's House was giving out Prozac like candy; there was no need for anyone to be unhappy.

Look on the bright side. You became very skillful at lying to cover-up things that you hadn't done. Being socially invisible left you fearless to take late night walks alone: from drunken short-cuts through unlit alleys on your way home from parties to weeknight strolls through the old cemetary when you needed to think. And you have expanded this fearlessness to an ability to speak up (even when you shouldn't). See, that's something! Plus, you know that our undergraduate math program kicks ass. You probably could have passed your algebra qual BEFORE your first quarter at grad school.

Come, on! Join us! It will be refreshing, like a Winter Carnival swim at Occum Pond.

Love Always,
Alma Mater

ps. Send money.