So You Think You Know Calculus

Subtitle: If math placement testing was done by So You Think You Can Dance.

Int. theater - day

NIGEL, MIA, and DAN sit at a table set up in the front row of the theater seating, watching the stage. There is a large blackboard on the stage. A STUDENT walks onto the stage, walks over to the blackboard, and picks up a piece of chalk. NIGEL cues the student to begin

Student

Hi. I'm going to be doing, um, a related rates.

The STUDENT starts writing on the board.

A ladder 10 feet long rests against a vertical wall. If the bottom of the ladder slides away from the wall at a rate of 1 foot per second, how fast is the top of the ladder sliding down the wall when the bottom of the ladder is 6 feet from the wall?

The STUDENT draws a triangular diagram on the board and continues writing on the board while talking.

We use the Pythagorean Theorem to get x² + y² = 100. OK? So first we plug in x=6, giving us 36 + y² = 100 or y² = 64. We take the derivative of both sides, so we get 2y = 0, so y=0. And--

Nigel

Stop! Enough! How long have you been studying calculus?

The STUDENT stops writing on the board and walks to the front of the stage, facing the judges.

Student

I took calculus in high school.

Nigel

Well, it doesn't seem to have done much good.

(To the other judges)

What do you think?

Dan

I thought it was pretty bad.

(To Student)

Can you take derivatives of exponential functions?

Student

What?

Dan

What's the derivative of 10^x?

Student

x10^x-1

Nigel

I think we've seen enough. Mia?

Mia

I don't think you're right for this class. A no from me.

Dan

A no from me.

Nigel

You're not going to be going through to Calculus 2. Thank you. Next!

The STUDENT walks off stage, dejectedly.