Wednesday, August 30, 2006

I Need Better Friends

Because the whole beginning of the semester chaos together with placement, add/drop, and the need to observe the classes of all the new people (of which there have got to be at least a dozen... grr...) was not enough, the storm that had been brewing most of the summer between me and one of my friends seems to be picking up strength and distracting me from my work.

I am OK with being friends with guys who want to sleep with me if they can accept the fact that I am not going to. Back in the day I might have slept with my friends, but I don't do that any more. What I have given up entirely, though, are guys who are friends with me for the sole purpose of wanting to have sex with me. Normally none of this is an issue: Typically if any of my friends want to sleep with me, they keep that to themselves, avoiding all sorts of awkwardness. As I am fairly oblivious, this normally works really well: they pretend that they don't want to sleep with me, I don't notice that they do, and everything is FINE.

Now I am starting to wonder which category this guy fits into. Most of the summer I thought he was a friend who also wanted to sleep with me. I was caught off-guard several times. I made some bad decisions, sometimes being encouraging when I should have been discouraging. (It's hard to find a way to say, "I'm not going to have sex with you. Not ever," in a way that isn't hurtful.) Complicating matters, he is attractive, persuasive, and compelling. There has been no physical contact so far; all words up to this point. I thought that I've made it clear that I am not going to have sex with him (not ever). I used the word "impossible" when responding to a recent offer.

It's hard for me to know when to cut my losses and give up on someone. I don't want to tell him to fuck off. I don't want to believe that the only reason that he talks to me is because he wants to sleep with me. It's hard for me to accept that I don't have full control in setting the nature and the level of our interactions. But I've grown out of the stage where I kept people in my life just because they generated the drama and chaos that I used to feed on. Until I figure this out, I may have to bury myself in my work and be too busy to deal with other people.